The Once Upon a Time Affair
by RoseLight
Summary: It was his most dangerous assignment ever-babysitting the Solo twins.


The Once Upon A Time Affair

ACT I It was a dark and stormy night...

Illya Kuryakin took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and prepared himself for the mission ahead. All the arrangements had been finalized; this was a volunteer job. He stood before the door of doom at the appointed hour and pushed the bell.

"Uncle Illya, Uncle Illya!" The twin tornadoes engulfed him. He knelt to their level and grabbed the Solo duet in a big bear hug. "Alexi, Kary-akin," he greeted them with his personal nicknames. "How I've missed you."

"And you're all ours tonight, Mama promised they would dance til dawn." Clarissa Solo stood behind the door, watching with quiet delight the interaction between her husband's long-time partner and their children. Kuryakin was reputed to be cold and stiff in social exchanges, but with the children he was warm and animated.

"Come in, Illya," She knew better than to expect the exuberant greeting reserved for her children, and contented herself with a formal embrace and a peck on the cheek.

"Happy anniversary, Clarissa."

They had been colleagues at the UNCLE lab, and Illya had been the one to introduce her to Napoleon when they needed her expertise in The Laser Affair. She wondered if things might have worked out differently. And she wondered if he wondered, too. But they dealt with science, not speculation. "You could not have designed a more thoughtful gift, Illya. An evening out, alone. Oh, I do miss the city, but for these two, the sacrifice of suburbia is worth it."

"Where's my bride?" called Napoleon as he came around the corner, tugging to achieve just the correct jaunty angle for his tie. He steadied his hands on her shoulders and nibbled the back of her neck. She giggled, held his hands there for a moment, leaned back against him and closed her eyes. Then it was back into Mommy-mode.

"There's cider and popcorn for later. I've recorded some cartoons. Here's the numbers where we can be reached..."she attempted to pass Illya the list but Solo swiftly intercepted it and ripped it in half.

"Not tonight."

Alex and Kary were skipping and twirling around the living room. "Isn't Mama beautiful? Doesn't she smell good?"

"And how about your Papa?" Napoleon picked up Alex and spun him around in a circle, laughing and breathless.

"Go, celebrate," Illya shooed them out the door. "We'll be fine, Mama. Now children, let's go mix chemicals and play with electricity..."

Clarissa sighed as they drove away.

"I know what you are thinking," Napoleon warned, " and you can just forget it."

"But he's so good with the children, and it's such a pity he's alone..."

"No. No. No, Claire. No more matchmaking for poor Illya. I forbid it."

"Forbid is such a strong word..." she pouted.

# # # # #

"Heeerrrreee I come, to save the daaa-aayyy..." sang the caped cartoon rodent. Illya was trying to observe the video "Mighty Mouse Beats Oil Can Harry" as a sociological phenomenon, but it was making his teeth ache. The thunderstorm was an unexpected but welcome diversion. Great claps of noise drove the children to huddle in his arms. Great white bolts sizzled. And suddenly, the power went snap, crackle, and pop, pitching the trio into darkness.

ACT II Let me count the ways...

The high-pitched wailing stopped abruptly upon the children's realization that their evening had taken on a weird, power-less twist.

"The video's gone..." "The TV's out..." "No lights?" "No microwave!" "No computer games?" "No lights!"

"SSSsshh..." the agent attempted to calm them. "We have the chance for a great adventure. Alexi, take my pen light. Now, we'll all hold hands and form a chain. Show me where Mama keeps the candles."

They tread carefully and quietly across the room, and soon the living room was cozy with candlelight.

When the children tired of shadow puppets, and began to arm themselves for a pillow fight, Kuryakin knew he needed a distraction.

"Let's have some of that yummy snack Mama prepared, and then how about a story?"

They clapped, and he bowed lowly and began, "Once upon a time..."

# # # # #

"Your eyes dance in the candlelight," he whispered across the table.

"Solo, you are soooo corny."

"And you love it."

" 'I love thee to the level of each day's most quiet need, by sun and candlelight' she quoted softly. "Ever since we met, it has been Light for me."

Napoleon was always humbled that he had won the heart of such a gracious lady.

"I guess that's why I keep trying to marry off Illya. It seems so selfish and unfair, to be this happy while he is so alone."

"Can we leave the Russian wolf at home tonight?" Solo suggested.

"But if not for Illya, we never would have met, and that would have been a distinct tragedy..."she grazed her fingertips across his sleeve.

"I think I'll call home and check on the kids."

"Oh, Papa Bear, can't we leave the cubs home tonight?" she mimicked. "Back to business. Have you no eligible lasses in mind?"

"I don't examine the recruits as closely as I used to, yknow." Solo smiled. " I figure he's just waiting for our Kary to reach the age of consent."

"Now that sounds suspiciously like incest." She scooted her chair back. "Dance with me." The club specialized in the warm liquid ballads of the classic 1940's. They glided elegantly across the floor.

"Mrs. Solo, you are a sublime partner."

Clarissa smiled. "Dancing is simply the combination of geometric configuration and applied physics.."

"Now you sound like my other partner. I meant more than dancing.."

# # # # #

...there was a beautiful and wise queen, who ruled the queendom of...Laboratoria. "

"What was her name?" Kary queried.

"Queen Clara , whose name means Light. And she was so wise and kind, she wanted to help many people. So she studied and worked hard and created a wonderful light...the Lightning Laser. Her invention would bring healing and light and heat and power to many folks. But... the wicked Thrush, a huge, ugly bird with great pointed talons (Illya curled his fingers and raked at them) and breathing fire (he growled) and powerful wings (he flapped his arms dramatically) swooped down and snatched the queen and her magic light!"

"Why?" asked Alex.

"Because the Thrush was evil."

"Why?" That was Kary.

"Well, you cannot explain Evil...it just is."

""Why?" They chimed in unison.

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Do you torture your Papa like this?" They giggled, he sighed, and continued.

"The evil Thrush imprisoned the good queen in its nest and threatened to use her light to harm people. Queen Clara was in despair..."

"What's despair?"

"It's like a cage," Alex, the elder by 3 minutes, explained.

"Meanwhile, the Good Uncle of Laboratoria summoned Prince Polo, his most courageous, most handsome, most charming, most loyal, most resourceful knight, and gave him the dangerous task of rescuing the fair queen and her magic light."

"And he has a loyal sidekick, right?" Alex inquired suspiciously. "Maybe small and silent and with long yellow hair...I think I saw this on Scooby-Doo.."

Illya began to wonder if this child were really only five years old. "No, no, he was seven feet tall, with shining copper hair and blazing green eyes, and a line of patter that would stop any village lass in her tracks. His name was...uh...Ignatz. "

"And what kind of powers did they have?" It was Alex again.

"Powers?"

"Yeah, yknow, super powers. To fight the bad guys, ya gotta have super powers."

"No, they were just men. They worked and studied hard. They had the power of Right and Justice and Honor and Truth on their side."

"Oh." Alex began to look bored.

"But you said they had courage. Weren't they afraid to battle evil without super powers?"

"Well, Kary, sometimes they were afraid. But courage does not mean never being afraid. It means doing your duty, even when you are afraid."

"Wow..."

-ACT III Promises, promises

Clarissa yawned. "I think I've kept my promise."

"You always do, Love."

"I promised the cubs we would dance til dawn. " She gave her husband a sleepy smile.

"A double caramel cappuccino for the road?"

"I'll need one. I think I'm getting older. We used to do this all the time and still make it to work the same morning."

Solo dropped a kiss on her nose. "There's no one else I'd rather grow old with."

# # # # #

"... and they lived happily ever after." Illya was out of breath and imagination.

"Hey...What happened to Ignatz?"

"Oh, he invented the Internet, became fabulously wealthy and retired to Switzerland. Time for bed."

"You don't know for sure it's bed time, Uncle Illya. No clocks!" Alex grinned.

Illya tapped his watch. "A noble effort, Alexi."

"But Uncle Illya, there's still no night-lights..." Kary quavered.

He folded his arms around the little girl. "I will hold your hand until you dream ..."

finis?


End file.
